So I fell of my self-constructed health wagon for a couple of weeks. This time it was not starving myself or roughly exercising; this time it was a serious and vicious cycle of binging-self-loathing-neglecting myself episodes that I couldn't and wouldn't break from for about a month.
It started when I was entering my first week of pre-finals, I guess I let the stress get to me because I discarded my health habits that I was so desperately trying to keep up. I started eating unhealthy food all the time and I even quit exercising altogether. My birthday came up, some pretty big things started happening in my life, and everything was amazing. (Special thanks to my boyfriend who made everything just perfect.) But after all the great food, and great company, when I was alone, I started struggling. I couldn't take that disgusting feeling I had or how my body became so exhausted. I felt horrible during that phase. I knew I had to do something.
I'm writing this to you for many reasons. First, because I know a lot of people go through these things without knowing what to do or how to make it stop. Many of us decide to starve ourselves or go on unhealthy juice cleanses or crazy fasts. Some of us kill our bodies with exercise by trying to lose all of the weight we've gained or remove all the junk we've consumed in the span of a few days. Although this may be the easiest way out of this situation, it is really not the right answer for you because it will hurt your body and eventually destroy your esteem.
Another reason is because I want to be really real with you and to do that I have to be honest. Things like this happen to me too. I may have erased that dark-dieting phase of my life but that doesn't mean that I am perfectly fine and all is well. I am still struggling. Going through that was not easy and getting over it is not easy at all either. I just hope the people out there who are going through the same thing will be able to connect with me. Maybe you might just feel a little less alone.
I also want to address everyone whoever took on the role of being a fitness person or switching to a healthy lifestyle. You are pretty freaking admirable. I commend everyone who choses not to starve themselves, and who continue to eat right, and exercise properly. You guys inspire me, and it's because of you that I am sure that the other half of the world (the one that makes people starve themselves for the sake of looking better) will see more clearly in the future. Maybe because of you guys fat shaming and skinny shaming will stop, and everyone will just try and be as healthy and fit as possible.
The solution is to be healthy. What I went through was horrible but I am ready to start a whole new and permanent lifestyle. I'm going to need a lot of work but this post will always be here to remind me to never look back again. The same way I want you guys to use this a reminder to never be a person who tortures their body. I now realise that my past life is in the past for a reason, and that is because I have moved on and changed the way I want to live my life.
I was never happier when I chose to start the healthy lifestyle. It was really tough getting on it, and it became easier when I got used to it. However, sometimes you get confused or you get lost or you make bad judgement calls. You somehow, for some reason, stop being healthy and get back to your old habits. It will hurt you for weeks and make you feel like you have taken a million steps back into square one and it will terrify you.
But if there's anything I have learned from all of this mentally and physically draining and agonising experience it's that being healthy is not being thin, it's not constricting yourself to 800 calories a day, and it's not over-exercising. Being healthy is not about eating whatever you want or not caring about your body either even if it's just for a couple of days. It's about balance and consistency. Being healthy is pretty freaking hard but it's worth it.
If I told you that my insecurities have come to rest, I would be lying. But at least now I know that they do not come from a damaged self. They come from someone who just needs to be healthy to feel good. And that sort of thing, that is not bad at all. That is always going to give me the motivation to be as good to my body as it deserves.
You see, I may not be above all my insecurities or passed my mistakes, but from all of this I was able to realise that feeling good about yourself entails that you must always listen to your body and treat it the way it needs to be treated. If you do that, you'll ignore that jealousy in your head that tries to bring you down, or those self-destructing insecurities that will make you loathe yourself. If you exercise well and treat your body well, you will love it for what it is and accept it in all it's forms because you will know that you are doing everything you can--and really, that's all anyone can ask for.
Starting now I am beginning my binge-free and fit phase. I'm saying good bye to my insanely low calorie diets forever, just the same way I am saying good bye to overeating. It's all about getting nutrition and exercise. I hope you all will join me. Progress photos will be up every month. Let's do this guys! Let's be happy and most especially proud of ourselves.